


For The Birds

by salainen



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-27
Updated: 2014-08-27
Packaged: 2018-02-14 23:20:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2206854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/salainen/pseuds/salainen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Engie tries to win over Medic's doves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For The Birds

The first time Engie went into the infirmary, two of Medic's birds tried to take his hat, and a third bit him on the hand.

Things have not changed since the recent restructuring of his relationship with their owner.

“What did I ever do to you?” he asks the one called Euclid, who does most of the biting, as he tries to shake off the sting of his latest attack. “Gotdang birds.”

Euclid, being a dove, only answers with a cooing noise. It still sounds smug to Engie.

“Ach, did Euclid bite you again?” Medic asks, coming back into the room with a box. His new supplies have arrived on the last train, and he's roped Engie into helping him unpack. “All of you, come here.”

The birds, of which there are eight, immediately flap over and settle on the nearest perchable surface. Engie remains in perpetual befuddlement that they can be so well-trained and yet so malicious.

“What have I told you about this, hm? Engie is off-limits for biting, pecking, hat theft, and any other mischief you may have on your minds!”

A few of the doves make disgruntled bird noises.

“No arguments!” Medic insists. “Now, we are going to unpack these boxes, and if you so much as look at him strangely I will sew you back into Scout!”

“Do they not like that?” Engie asks, apprehensively.

“I don't really know, but I can't imagine having to spend any more time with the boy than necessary.” He turns back to the doves. “So behave!”

They follow the spirit of Medic's orders, at least – none of them dare to touch him, but Pythagoras and Aristotle keep dive-bombing him to make him jump. He makes a decision. A wiser, saner man than Engie might just lay out a set of rules that would keep him from contact with the birds, but Engie makes no claims to either. He's going to win these birds over, if only out of spite and stubbornness, two things he _does_ lay claim to. It might also be a little bit because he knows how much Medic loves his ridiculously-named pets and he'd probably like to see them getting along, but mostly spite.

His first attempt is simple. He brings the doves a couple Sandviches from the kitchen and lets them have at – Scout's been sneaking these to them for ages, and they seem to like him, even if Medic thinks otherwise.

One of the doves hops over to him.

“Hey, little fella,” he says.

The bird stares at him with its beady little eyes.

“How'd you like them Sandviches?” Distantly, Engie realizes he's trying to hold a conversation with a bird, but hey, if they can understand Medic they can understand him.

The dove hops closer. Engie offers a hand.

“Son of a _bitch_ ,” he exclaims as the bird bites him and flies away, cooing mockingly as he shakes it off.

A darker part of Engie wants to give up here on making the birds like him, and possibly introduce a few of them to the Frontier Justice, but a more rational part of him realizes that would probably damage his relationship with Medic beyond repair, and despite his flock of evil birds he loves that man. He just needs a better idea to win them over.

It takes him a while to come up with the “better idea”, in which he steadfastly refuses to go into the infirmary unless Medic opens the window and puts the doves outside first, but once he's got it he knows it'll work. It might end in him being even more severely injured, but the birds are going to love it.

He has to enlist Spy in order to obtain a few of the parts.

“Why don't you just _ask_ the doctor for it?” he says when Engie asks. “I do not think he would say no.”

“Because,” Engie says, “it's supposed to be a surprise.”

“For the birds, not for Medic. Unless you have some interesting plans for him, hm?”

He rolls his eyes. “Don't be an ass. Just steal that for me, all right?”

“What's in it for me?” he asks, idly toying with the edge of one glove.

Engie sighs. “I'll upgrade the dispensers so they give out cigarettes.”

“Finally,” Spy says. “Consider it done, _mon ami_.”

Spy delivers the goods later that night, and Engie immediately sets about working on it. It takes about three days of working on it in his spare time, but when it's done he knows that the doves are going to love it. Hopefully some of that goodwill will transfer to him, or he's just made the biggest mistake of his life.

“Hey, doc,” he says, wheeling the gift into the infirmary on a cart, covered in a sheet.

“Engie! Are you actually out of the lab for once?”

“Yep,” he says, evidently missing the rebuke contained in Medic's question. “Made something for your birds.”

“I know you don't like each other, but you didn't have to build something to shoot my birds.”

“What? It's a present for them, not some kind of bird sentry.”

“What is it?”

Engie takes the cover off of the cart. Underneath is a wire birdcage – the part he had Spy steal for him – which has been modified to have working robotic legs and a number of small mounted lasers. Inside the cage is a tiny control panel.

“It's an Armoured Mobile Birdcage,” he says. “AMB for short.”

Medic bends down to examine it further. “So you put the birds inside and they can walk around?”

“Right on. And if they press the buttons they can fire these here lasers. They ain't strong enough to really mess anything up, but they'll still sting. I don't know, seemed like they might like it.”

Medic grins. “They're going to love it. But isn't it likely that they'll just use it to pester you further?”

He shrugs. “Maybe. I'm hoping they like it enough that they'll start liking me by association.”

“You certainly went through a lot of trouble to make a bunch of birds happy.”

“Well, I figure they're going to be around me an awful lot from now on. Might as well try and get along. You know, for your sake.”

Medic pulls him in for a hug. “ _Sehr niedlich,_ ” he says, giving him a kiss. “We should test it out.”

He walks over to the window and leans out, one arm outstretched. Three birds perch on it immediately.

“You're like Cinderella or something,” Engie says, smiling. “Careful now, when it gets to midnight your lab's gonna turn back into a pumpkin.”

“Ha ha. Very funny.” He puts one of the doves into the cage and the cage onto the floor. The weight sensor on the perch starts the machine up, and Archimedes experimentally pokes a few buttons with his beak, turning it this way and that as it walks around the room. 

Finally he discovers the laser controls, which he begins to peck insistently, firing it again and again. The two other doves look on in jealousy. The far wall is soon covered in tiny burn marks.

“I think he likes it,” Medic says, then turns to Archimedes. “Time to give the others a turn.” Archimedes squawks in disagreement, but lets Medic take him out of the cage and swap him with Democritus.

“So how'd you like my machine?” Engie asks the bird, half-jokingly. Archimedes responds by fluttering from Medic's hand to Engie's shoulder, surprising him by just choosing to sit there pleasantly rather than trying to bite him. He even gives Engie an affectionate nuzzle. “I think it worked!”

“One out of eight, _Liebling_ ,” Medic says, but he's smiling as he does. “Though Archimedes does seem to have remarkable sway over the others.”

“That's because they know he's your favourite.”

He scoffs. “If they knew anything they'd know _you're_ my favourite and stop biting you.” Medic looks back at where Democritus is intrepidly making his way across the room in a bird-sized mecha, peeping happily. “Though I think you're about to be adopted into the flock.”

“Then my work here is done.” He stops. “You ain't still upset about me being in the lab for the last couple days, are you?”

“Not particularly,” Medic says. “It was a nice gesture, and I would be a hypocrite if I got angry with you for spending too much time at work, _nein_?”

“Good point, darlin'.” He moves to check on Democritus' progress, only to find that he is no longer in the room. “I think your bird's escaped.”

“He'll be fine. They have the run of the base anyway,” Medic says, flicking a hand in disinterest.

“Yeah, but he ain't usually armed to the teeth with lasers.”

“We need to catch that bird,” he says, suddenly alarmed. “Or perhaps not; it would be a good opportunity to study the kind of injuries one can sustain from a laser.”

In the distance they can hear Sniper shouting. “What the – ow! - _Truckie!_ ”

The two of them exchange a look, then move for the doors. In the hallway, Democritus is essentially chasing Sniper up and down the length of the room, shooting the lasers at his feet.

“Should we do something?” Medic asks, clearly not intending to.

Engie shrugs. “When it stops being funny.”

The rest of the doves eventually settle on their heads and shoulders to watch their brother terrorize Sniper, cheeping in an encouraging manner.

“All right, that's enough,” Engie says, picking up the machine and taking Democritus out. Sniper breathes a sigh of relief. “Gotta give the others their turns.” He replaces one pilot with another and puts the machine back down. Aristotle immediately picks up where Democritus left off.

Sniper starts trying in vain to pick up the cage, Aristotle shooting at his hands. Engie and Medic give him mocking waves from the doorway.

“I hate you both.”

**Author's Note:**

> For Bearsquare, who asked for more Science Party a long time ago. Writer's block is the worst.
> 
> The ABM is an invention of my good friend [fibonaccist](http://archiveofourown.org/users/fibonaccist/pseuds/fibonaccist), used with permission.
> 
> As always, you can send me prompts/requests here or on [Tumblr](http://gilgameshwulfenbach.tumblr.com).


End file.
